She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
