1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize