I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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