nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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