once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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