FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
