I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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