Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
