3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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