My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize