The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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