Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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