got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
