great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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