Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
