I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
