I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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