I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
