Yo dont text me then not text me
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
