You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
