I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
