we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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