i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
