I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
