i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Who died my cat blue again?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
