Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
