Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
