You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
