the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
