So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
