i just sent this text using only my big toe
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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