I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
