I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
