Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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