it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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