yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
