i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
