Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
