I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize