Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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