I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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