Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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