I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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