fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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