Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
