I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
