i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
