her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
