just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
