your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
