anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
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