btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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