I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
