duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
