i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
