yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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