I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
