Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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