zippers are such a cool invention
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
