You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
