So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
