my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
