Swine flu. Run for my life!
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
