Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
